Nancy Pelosi Will Spend The Next 6 Weeks In Rehab

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi won’t need to spend time drinking at home and terrorizing her husband. She’ll be spending the next six weeks in a California rehab facility “recovering” from alcoholism instead.

According to official records, Pelosi doesn’t drink and has never had an issue with alcohol, but our sources on the inside tell a different story. According to one guy who makes YouTube videos in his pickup truck, Pelosi has been spotted running through the streets of Modesto half-naked singing “If I was a rich man” from Fiddler on the Roof. Another source, who may or may not have been Pelosi’s personal pilot when she was first accused of being a drunk in 2010, says he’s almost certain he’s practically sure that someone convinced him that the story was true.

As for Pelosi herself, she denied the claims, even though we’ve reported on her little escapades many times. Like the time she was removed from the White House for being too drunk to speak. Or the time her church asked her to stop coming until she got some help. Then there was the time she was asked to leave a children’s cancer fundraiser after screaming at a little bald girl on chemo to get her another Bloody mary.

While none of those things may have actually happened, we certainly hope they did, and some of our readers have even prayed for them to come true. That can’t simply be a coincidence. Nancy Pelosi, as far as informed people are concerned, is a raging alcoholic.

That leaves the question of who will become the Speaker of the House while she’s in rehab. If the Democrats get to choose, it will most certainly be AOC or Shifty Adam Schiff. Luckily, President Trump will get to choose, so it will most likely be an incompetent buffoon or one of his children, which becomes available sooner.

Good luck, Drunk Nancy. Hopefully, this makes the Dems see the light and gives them the courage to vote her out.