Bill Gates Buys Controlling Stock in Cracker Barrel

Late Monday afternoon, billionaire Bill Gates bought up enough stock in Cracker Barrel to become its controlling shareholder. Gates has apparently always been a fan of down-home cooking, but he didn’t wait long to announce his nefarious plans for the franchise’s 660 locations; they will all be turned into warehouses that solely produce 5G cell towers.

News of this flew under the radar, as the nation was still reeling from the fact that Barron Trump’s dreams of becoming a professional NFL quarterback were stopped dead in their tracks. The price for the stock immediately skyrocketed when the news broke, however, as only global elites own stock in Cracker Barrel, ironically.

An unidentified source from Cracker Barrel has this to say:

“Our collective congealed hearts are broken. Not only has liberal mastermind Bill Gates bought our sacred temple of dining, but the rumblings are he’s building some type of mobile phone towers that is common folks won’t be able to use. Now we can’t use our cell phones to call our cousins for booty calls, nor can we buy macaroni and cheese that’s 3 days old and has 2,500 calories. Heck, these 5G towers can’t even power our Rascal scooters?! How am I supposed to buy scratchers now?!”

Patriotic Americans shouldn’t fret, as they still have plenty of delectable options such as Hometown Buffett, IHOP, and the water in their mama’s dish. For the many American’s that have more than six brain cells, however, this news came as a shock, as Cracker Barrel is abject garbage food that most people wouldn’t feed to their dogs, let alone their children.

News on this story is still breaking, and we will provide updates as they come across the wire. The South’s collective breaths will be held until final word of this story is written. Rest assured, there are plenty of Snack Paks to tide you over until the ending of this story is written.