AOC Loses New York Primary Election, Will Return to Bartending

The biggest surprise from Tuesday’s New York primary election was the stunning, crushing defeat of freshman Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. While all polls had given her a huge lead, her opponent for the Democratic nomination, Sandy Batt, surprised everyone with a 22-point win.

Alessandra Ocasek-Cortex was completely shocked by the results. She was expecting to win and coast comfortably to a new term in November. Her campaign manager, Joe Barron, is reported to have turned off all the televisions and laptops at the campaign headquarters as the night wore on. The news was just too devastating to watch.

Barron said, “We did not expect this at all. Anastasia Olivia-Kotex won her primary in an upset in 2018, and in the general election she won by a 96 percent margin. We don’t know what went wrong with our polling. Everyone loves AOC. I need a new job. Do you have one?”

The failed candidate was overheard blaming the local Antifa branch for not fencing enough stolen goods, looted from all-American retailers like Old Navy and Dress Barn, to finance her campaign.

Alejandra Octomom-Caballero is demanding a recount, but New York state law doesn’t provide for a recount in elections with such a wide margin. She’s grasping at straws, clearly. And speaking of straws, her old boss from her bartending days has already contacted her about returning to her old job as a bartender. He figures that having a very famous, one-term progressive Congresswoman as a staff member would be a good draw for people who want to get drunk and talk about politics.

Not expecting a win in the primary, Ms. Batt is now scrambling to form a coherent campaign strategy and a slogan that is more specific than “Vote against AOC because she looks like a horse.” Batt’s Republican opponent, Ed Hirst, runs every two years and loses in the liberal district every time. He does it because he’s lonely and it’s the only time he can get those six Republicans to talk to him.

Don’t forget to register to vote. Elect Sandy Batt!