Portland Airport Refuses National Guard Plane

The situation in Portland, Oregon has become untenable.  This is an obvious turn of events to President Trump, who has taken the bold step of activating the National Guard to deploy in the city and restore order, against the wishes of the local mayor as well as the Democratic governor, both of whom believe a federal troop presence would only exasterbate the problem.

As the first C-130 aircraft approached the Joe Barron International Airport in Portland this morning, it was unceremoniously denied permission to land and turned away, with airport officials citing concrete orders to do so from the state officials.  The plane was then forced to turn around and, low on fuel, rely on the constant farting of its passengers to carry it to a landing site at Disneyland, where guard corps were grumpily forced to ride “It’s A Small World” for hours.

Oregon governor Pat Myaz commented correctly that in the past, the activation of the National Guard against private citizens of the United States in the past had ended with tragic and ineffective results.  He noted that even during these past forays into fascism, the Presidents forced to make that decision during those times weren’t incompetent nosepickers like Donald Trump.

“The impeached clown President that nobody besides his cult of morons can take seriously had this brilliant idea.  Like many of his advisors, seeing he was on yet another one of his delusional trips where he thinks he’s a leader or something, I specifically turned him down and suggested that maybe he find a nice coloring book or play doh set to occupy himself.  He ignored that, just like he does his herpes symptoms, so I sent the plane back.  I mean, God DAMN is he ever stupid.  We wouldn’t even have protests if we didn’t have such a racist ass commander in chief who won’t help with America’s policing problem, now would we?”

In interviews, guard members aboard the aircraft admitted they didn’t want to go to Portland anyway because the coffee shops are expensive and have too many flavors.  Coffee comes in one flavor, people.  Coffee flavor.  That’s why it was invented that way.