Pelosi Says Her District Is in Need of Extra Funds for ‘Sushi and Cocktails’

In a display of coastal elitism that will make many red-blooded American patriots’ heads explode, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi demanded that extra money be included in any funding packages meant to help normal patriots through this trying time.

What are the funds for?

“Sushi and cocktails for my district,” said Speaker Pelosi as she took several dainty sips of Chardonnay and coughed on a nearby Republican.

She continued, “The wealthy denizens of San Francisco and southern Marin County are sacrificing so much in these difficult times. They’re having to skip their yoga classes, their meditation retreats, their mommy groups, and their weekly trips to the salon.

I want to keep them happy and comfortable for as long as I can, so I demanded that the rescue package from Congress include $1 billion for sushi and cocktail delivery for these poor, persecuted liberals who are suffering so much by being isolated from their equally rich peers.”

When told that Speaker Pelosi had shoved the $1 billion funding into the final bill while Mitch McConnell had withdrawn his head into his shell, Republican Sandy Batt of Utah said,

“I’m shocked and appalled that Speaker Pelosi would steal $1 billion for sushi and cocktails for a bunch of liberal wankers. That money should have gone to a corporation CEO to be trickled down.”

Meanwhile, local sushi restaurant owner Art Tubolls was thrilled to hear that his share of the $1 billion windfall would be $20 million, and all he has to do is deliver sushi to some wealthy Democratic donors in Pacific Heights and Larkspur. That’ll go up to $30 million if he throws in a roll of toilet paper.

These are trying times, patriots. Tell your elected representatives that Speaker Pelosi’s district deserves nothing and that all funds should go to the top 1 percent in hopes that a couple of bucks will trickle down to you.