In a strange turn of events, Nancy Pelosi added an unusual bill for congressional consideration. And it’s gaining momentum.
The bill states that the government will send out masks via Pony Express to all U.S. citizens. Those masks will represent their age and economic class.
All masks for those under 60 will be blue with their yearly incomes hand-embroidered in silver on the front.
Everyone over 60 will wear a purple mask with a gold crown.
There’s only one exception to this rule: Anyone making over $200,000 annually can request to wear a purple mask regardless of age.
In anticipation of this becoming the law of the land, Sandy Batt was hard at work checking incomes and ages in preparation for the first shipment. Here’s what she had to say:
“Based on the most recent census, we have a good idea of how many purple and blue masks we’ll need. We’ve already hired a slew of workers to begin production. I really think Nancy has a strong idea here. With color-coordinated masks, we’ll be able to tell the haves from the have nots.
Plus, those that have been around the block a time or two deserve to be on their own pedestal. After all, they’ve survived this long.
And, off the record, the purple masks will get immediate perks. I’m not at liberty to say what those perks are, but they’re amazing. I mean, it’s only fair, since they don’t get stimulus money. Right?”
Pelosi said she got the idea after receiving so much feedback for her matchy-matchy masks. In an interview with Carrie Bradshaw, Pelosi said:
“My fashion sense will be a springboard to class identification. Anything we can do to make the government’s job easier, we’re going to do it.
I chose blue for the youngsters and the working class and, well, purple is a classic royal color. I think the over 60 crowd and high income class earned that. Don’t you?”
In any case, purple perks are rumored to include a FabFitFun-style monthly package and free healthcare. On the other hand, blue mask recipients will have to pay for their masks with part of their stimulus money.
