Pelosi Makes Kwanzaa a National Holiday, Christmas a Work Day

In a quest to win reelection and curry favor with activists from the Black Lives Matter movement, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has authored a bill to make Kwanzaa a national holiday. But wait, it doesn’t stop there. She always wants to make Christmas NOT a national holiday — it would be a workday, like any other day.

Kwanzaa is an annual celebration of African-American culture held from December 26 to January 1, culminating in gift-giving and a feast of faith, called Karamu Ya Imani. Wouldn’t it be great to have the entire week off between Christmas and New Year’s Day? Working on Christmas would be a small price to pay, to have a whole week off at the end of the year.

To publicize her efforts to make this change, Speaker Pelosi is defunding the White House Police force, leaving the orange gasbag currently occupying the White House to fend for himself in the face of growing unrest. The funding would also go toward paying for a nationwide observance of the feast called Karamu Ya Imani.

When questioned about her motives, Pelosi said, “Christmas used to be a celebration of the birth of Jesus. Now it’s just a commercialized, hollow shell of what it used to mean, with a focus on spending money and giving stupid gifts to your dumb relatives who’d rather spend the day watching football than eating your soggy French toast and watching grampa open another package of tube socks. Instead, let’s celebrate Kwanzaa, with its focus on community and family.”

Our world-famous religion reporter, Sandy Batt, asked President Donald Jefferson Trump for his opinion about this ridiculous new bill. “This is an outrage. This country is only supposed to celebrate Christian holidays — nothing else.

She says Christmas is too commercialized and wants to promote this Kwazana thing with police money? Crazy! There’s no such thing as a holiday being too commercialized, and I heard Kwanazaza food is way too spicy for mayonnaise-Americans to handle.”

If this bill passes into law, be prepared to work on Christmas Day. It’s what Nany wants.