NFL Coaches Handed Out Over $3 Million in Fines to Anthem Kneelers: “We’re Hitting Them Where it Hurts”

The National Football League updated its policy on protesting the National Anthem before the season, and it seems to be working. “It’s up to the coaches,” said Deputy Commissioner Joe Barron, “and they seem to be handling it well.

That they are. Over the past few weeks, anthem kneelers have been subject to benchings, suspensions, and even termination. “Now they’re hitting them where it hurts,” said Barron, “Their bank accounts.”

This week, so far, coaches have levied more than $3 million in fines to 13 players. “We’re seeing their numbers dwindle,” said Jets Line Coach Louis Colon, “last week there were 40 or so. Next week there will be only a few stragglers.”

The highest fines were handed to Denver Broncos players by Football Chairman John Elway. “They think because I’m not the coach anymore that I can’t still make moves,” he said, “they’re wrong.”

ALLOD Sportsball Analysticator Tara Newhole says it’s likely that the entire story is a figment of this reporter’s imagination, which could explain why I’ve been seeing trails all afternoon.

“We think it’s residuals from all the Dancing Bear stickers at that Floyd show in 1986,” said Newhole, “It’s likely that you’re flashing back pretty hard.”

The Chief medical officer of the Starship Voyager says that since the Patriots suck as bad as they did then, than Newhole may be onto something. Please click an ad before you go. God Bless America.