Nancy Pelosi is denying reports that she has cirrhosis of the liver caused by her alcoholism.
According to our sources, Pelosi’s drinking over the years is so unhealthy, there’s no way she could possibly be processing all of it, and there is most certainly a backed-up mass of vericolse veins and kinutee cells that is evident when you hear her speak:
“The first sign that someone is in late-stage kinutee development is slurred speach when not drinking. Since Nancy is certainly almost always drunk, we took excerpts from rtecordings made at her home before 9 AM. We found three instances in which she was probably sober and slurring her words.
Another sure sign is the inability to process pork. Pelosi hasn’t had a slice of bacon in the House cafeteria in nearly three weeks, which is uncommon. She’s had one slice every day for 37 years.
All of this points to the undeniable truth: Pelosi is no0t long of this world.”
Pelosi’s spokesman, Art Tubolls, told us that there is no truth to the claim, which is what you’d expect from him:
“Nancy doesn’t drink. Her alcoholism was invented in 2010 or so by that lunatic Michele Bachmann. It was never real. It’s been kept alive all this time by liberal trolls writing really bad satire, because they think it’s funny. Get over yourselves. Speaker Pelosi has better things to do than to give something this silly even a minute of her time.”
Yeah, sure Nancy. Psssssh. Liberal trolls. As if.
God Bless America.
