Lia Thomas Failed The Olympic Qualifying Round: “Her Career is Over”

Lia Thomas had one last chance to stay in professional swimming: Qualify for the Olympics. There is no official rule that bans her from the games, so she’s allowed to try out.

What Thomas found was that the Women’s National Team isn’t college. There’s no relying on your physical advantages at that level. You still have to perform.

Unfortunately for Thomas. her performance came up short. According to Olympic Timekeeper Joe Barron, “She missed her mark by a full three seconds, which is almost embarrassing.”

Riley Gaines qualified for her shot at gold in her class, the fifth-place runners-up to the runners-up of the runners-up division. She’s expected to win.

ALLOD Sportsball Specialisticator Tara Newhole joined Thomas for lunch at Del Taco, where Newhole forgot this reporter’s daily allotment of beans and rice. “She’s really nice,” said Newhole, “and I’m tired of you sending me on these fake stories just so you can get a free lunch.”

According to Newhole, Thomas moved on from swimming after the NCAA championships and couldn’t care less what happens to Riley Gaines. “She’s a whiny little thing,” she told Newhole, “I mean…I would have had fifth place by myself had she stayed home worshiping her husband and the lord instead of showing up to get in the way of real swimmers.”

There you have it, patriots. It’s probably not true, but it is yet another opportunity to watch the comments remind us that we should never refer to Lia Thomas as “she.” They’re predictably comical. God Bless America.