Ivanka Trump Named Esquire Magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive

Esquire Magazine has been an institution for more than 100 years. They typically deal with celebrity gossip, current events, and political pondering. For the last 20 years, they have also named “The Sexiest Woman Alive.”

This award is given to a woman who embodies all that it means to be a woman. The previous woman to win have ranged from Angelina Jolie to Rihanna. All of the prior women have one thing in common; they’re all staunch liberals.

Well, that’s about to change.

Recently, news broke that the beautiful Ivanka Trump is taking home the award this year.

According to Esquire,

“Ivanka evokes what we look for in a woman. The best body, just tremendous. Subservient to a fault. Obviously hates her husband. Clear daddy issues. These are the factors we weigh when choosing our Sexiest Woman Alive”.

Ivanka Trump spokesperson and current President of the United States, Donald Trump, issued this statement:

“Finally! I’ve been saying this for the past 20 years. This is just a tremendous honor, from the standpoint of awards. I’ve watched my beautiful daughter grow into a beautiful woman. And believe me, I’ve been watching closely. I’ve tried to get her on magazine covers multiple times, but Hugh Hefner always said no.

Well guess what, Hugh? You’re a loser. Ivanka is a winner. Just a tremendous win.”

Ivanka Trump was attempted to be reached for comment, but she was busy, not social distancing at one of her sweatshops in China, doing quality control assurance on her “Ivanka Trump Daddy’s Little Girl” power suit line that’s sold exclusively at Macy’s.

Jared Kushner said, “I cannot wait for Ivanka to get back into the kitchen where she belongs.”

Needless to say, this is a glorious day of celebration for conservatives and angry Caucasians the world over. It took a long time, but we finally have a sexy woman that we can all stand behind.

Perhaps we could even date her if she wasn’t our First Daughter.