Ivanka Makes it Official: She’s Running in 2024

It’s never to early to plan ahead, and in a move that is certain to delight many red-blooded American potatriots, First Daughter and inspirer of impure paternal thoughts Ivanka Trump has quietly filed papers indicating her intention to run for President of the United States in 2024, after her father’s second term.

Trump’s only daughter submitted the official declaration of her candidacy and named her campaign “Citizens United for Neverending Trumps.” By now, everyone has heard about Rush Limbaugh’s decision to leave his $100 million estate to Ivanka’s campaign, and Lord knows the woman will not pass up a chance to get her mitts on a pile of money from a gross old man. As has been ordained by the good Lord above, a Trump was born on third base and thought she hit a triple.

Her huge jumpstart in fundraising makes her the automatic winner of the Republican nomination in 2024, so the Republican National Committee has already canceled all primaries and caucuses four years in advance. They’ve crowned her the nominee, which will allow her to focus on being prettier than whichever pathetic socialist, communist, Venezuelan illegal immigrant the Democrats run against her.

What does this mean for the rest of the Trump crime syndicate? Oopsies! We meant to say, what does this mean for the rest of the Trump family? Donald Trump Jr. will continue getting owned on Twitter every day, all while banging the ex-wife of blackout hot California Governor Gavin Newsom. Eric Trump, well, what the hell does that guy do all day? Whatever it is, he’ll continue to do it, and whine about how poorly his family is treated. Young Master Barron Trump will continue growing up under the squinty-eyed gaze of his loving mother (omg that made me laugh just writing it). Trump has no other daughters, so that’s the end of this paragraph.

Buckle up for 2024, patriots. Your candidate is ready.