Pelosi Issues Subpeona For Melania’s Phone Records

As the Impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump gets underway, Democrats have been introducing a disturbing amount of damning new evidence to be considered in the case to prove the soon-to-be-former-Commander-in-chief’s crimes.  But this morning, in a move that is enraging his Republican defenders, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi issued a legal subpeona to confiscate and examine the private cell-phone records of the First Lady, Melania Trump.

Conservative legal experts in Trump groups across Facebook and the internet are stunned, wondering why Mrs. Trump’s personal information would have any relevence.  However, these are the same withered and gasping old schizophrenics who believe that Hillary Clinton is some kind of secret serial killer, Obama had a fake birth certificate, and Liindsey Graham doesn’t own a cardboard stand-up of Liam Hemsworth warped by daily applications of saliva.  Most normal people agree that teabaggers are legal experts in the exact same way that Kim Kardashian is instrumental in the operation of the Large Hadron Supercollider.

Sandra Tabb, close friend and confidant of Speaker Pelosi, gave some insight to a random diner at a nearby Hot Dog on a Stick:

“Nance thinks Melania might have all kinds of stuff on her phone, because it’s a somewhat secret fact that her husband uses it all of the time.  Donald is known to lose his phone quite a bit, most of the time dropping it into a toilet bowl while tweeting with his pants down.  He lost 3 during that last trip to England alone because he kept handing them to people on the street to get them to set it to translate everything into ‘Englandish’.  Anyway, I know he texts Putin all the time off of it because there’s a special little ‘love’ emoticon on it with a hammer and sickle through it.  I can see why she’d want it.  I just hope she can figure out that the unlock code is 6969.”

According to the cofiscation order, the First Lady has 24 hours during which to turn the device over to the Senate Impeachment Trial Managers or face legal and criminal prosecution.  It looks like maybe impeachment just became a couple’s game.