At only 5 foot 5 inches tall, he was considered the most powerful and brutal drug kingpin in the world. As the head of the deadly Sinaloa cartel, he presided over thousands of murders, billions of dollars, and has escaped custody numerous times.
And if the rumors about President Joe Biden’s intentions are true, he may be sitting right across from you at your local Arby’s by next week.
Their newest sandwich. Arby’s just really stopped giving a fu*k.
According to White House intern and Nissan Sentra enthusiast Sandra Batt, Biden is considering using his pardon power to free the Mexican bandito within the month, having received numerous reccomendations from authorities and family members South of the border. There is also an ongoing theory by many dickheaded “Q” froot loops involving First Son Hunter.
“These plans are completely farcical,” says an undercover DEA agent who identifies only as “Machete.” “It sounds like something Newsmax might have made up just to set off his cult of drooling bumbletwits. Mr. Biden has absolutely no plan to set El Chapo free, and he remains incarcerated in a maximum security facility.”
The agent, laughing, added : “Maybe some of these irrational Trump fellaters should grow up, stop being unbelievably irrational, and get a life. Trump lost, there’s no ‘deep state’, there was no election interference, and everyone forgot Benghazi. Get over it.”
Republican lawmaker and illuminati warrior Marjorie Taylor Greene, however, tells a different tale.
“Oh, it’s far worse than that. Both Biden and El Chapo are striped Venutians. The edict to free all of both the striped and solid alien harbingers from custody in order to begin the invasion of our planet comes from the Great Blooberfrump herself. This is what happens when we let Verizon put Jewish gifelte satellites in space. It’s like we opened the galactic border.”
Greene was backed up by another agent, known only as “fishstick.”
Greene finished her statement by stripping naked to reveal tinfoil underpants and ran quickly into the nearest sewer pipe for safety.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
