Drunk Pelosi Crashes Family’s Easter Gathering After Being Shunned

After news leaked out over the weekend that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi had been banished from her family’s Easter gathering because of her well-known drinking problem, some offered sympathy and some said hateful things about her fictional alcoholism.

Now a highly placed tipster who knows all about the comings and goings of the rich and famous in San Francisco has informed us that a very intoxicated Pelosi showed up at her family’s home in Pacific Heights, demanding to be included in their holiday festivities.

The picture painted by this tipster is a grim one. Pelosi fell out of a Toyota Corolla driven by a clearly irate Uber X driver, stumbled to the front door, and began wailing to be allowed in. Our intrepid tipster stepped away from the window and went back a few minutes later to see Pelosi wearing nothing but a surgical mask and kitchen gloves, crying, “I just wanna be loved! Lemme in! I wanna hug the Easter bunny!”

Her family wasn’t even home. They left the city to go to their $500 million winery in Napa, which they bought with money Nancy stole directly from the Social Security checks of gullible Republicans — the only ones who think it’s possible to do that.

This tipster is the only Republican in the entire city of San Francisco, so she did not offer any assistance to the Speaker. Instead, she recorded the whole thing and is demanding $50 million to release it to the media.

Another neighbor, Sandy Batt, took pity on Pelosi, covering her with a bathrobe and taking her inside to sober up. When Pelosi woke up on Monday morning, a little hungover and very embarrassed, she apologized for her behavior, claiming that she never drinks alcohol. Anyone with access to the most trustworthy sites on the interwebz knows that that’s just not true, and that she’s been an alcoholic since she was seven years old. Leave it to the Democrats to elect a lifelong drunk to 17 terms in Congress.