SCOTUS Rules Kneeling Is Unpatriotic and Illegal

In a devastating blow to unpatriotic kneeling NFL players the Supreme Court has sided 5-4 with NFL owners who sued to stop the practice. The ruling, led by Chief Justice John Roberts, allows NFL owners to punish any player who kneels during the national anthem up to and including immediate termination without prejudice. A statement by John Roberts issued to the press reads in part:

“It is abundantly clear that the founding fathers did not intend the concept of freedom of speech to include blatantly unpatriotic and disrespectful behavior towards their fellow Americans. It is for this reason that the majority of the court has sided with the NFL owners.”

Any player terminated by his team will also forfeit any and all accrued retirement benefits, as well as the right to have his jersey retired. The ruling also prohibits any player found violating the rule to be inducted into the Football Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.

The ruling represents a crushing defeat for NFL players such as Colin Kaepernick, who have for years disrespected the flag by kneeling during the national anthem.

At the same time, it represents a win for current and former players such as Tom Brady and John Elway who have decried the practice for months and have threatened to quit or fire any player that kneels. And it is most certainly a victory for the NFL owners, who have long struggled to find a solution to the problem that has turned off so many loyal fans to the point where the league was in danger of going bankrupt.

NFL spokesperson Joe Barron said that the ruling would have a favorable impact on the sport:

“We have been waiting for this decision for months now. It is welcome news because we have been in a legal limbo with respect to our kneeling players and finally have a clear path to returning the NFL to what it has always stood for: Patriotism and the American way of life.”

Potatriots™ all over the country will undoubtedly also be welcoming the Supreme Court decision.