DOJ Report: Chrissy Teigen Revealed as Leader of ANTIFA

Antifa has been in the news a lot recently. Commonly misunderstood as a pro-fascism group by people who also think that Cracker Barrel is a viable restaurant choice, Antifa is an anti-fascist movement who aims to right the wrongs of institutional racism. There. Not hard to understand.

What has been difficult to understand is how they work. A central governing body or leader has never been disseminated to the general public. If you were to travel to the dark web, you could find the answer, but you’d also find stuff that you’d probably rather not see.

That all changed Tuesday when the Department of Justice released their report of Antifa, and they have found the leader: Chrissy Teigen. 

Yes. Chrissy Teigen. Wife of John Legend, she’s famous for…being the wife of John Legend. Talk about a swerve.

DOJ spokesperson and former MMA heavyweight champion Joseph “This Truck Has A Small Back Window!” LaForm issued the following statement:

“I feel like I speak for everyone in that I did not see this coming. How a 110lb bombshell of a woman is the head of one of the most progressive group of anti fascists is beyond me, but I guess we’ve seen crazier things. For example, America thought that an obese racist moron with a daughter fetish was a good idea for President. Now, where my burritos at?”

Teigen could not be reached for comment, as she is currently engulfed with approximately 3,000 Twitter wars with snowflakes from all of the flyover states that feel emasculated by strong women. A source close to Teigen, however, did say, “Chrissy has more brains than Trump has back fat,” which is certainly a bold and unsubstantiated claim.

It remains to be seen how Antifa as a whole will respond to their leader now being a public figure, but needless to say, it will probably have little effect on how they operate. They were born in the shadows; you merely adopted it. Oh wait, that’s Bane. Meh, it’s almost the same thing.