Pence Urges Trump to Pardon Tiger King

A visibly upset and tearful Mike Pence pleaded with President Trump on Friday to immediately pardon his longtime intimate friend Joe Exotic, star of the Netflix hit series “Tiger King.” Exotic, who’s real name is Joseph Allen Maldonado-Passage, was convicted in January of this year for his role in a murder-for-hire scheme and sentenced to 22 years in prison.

According to transcripts of an oval office meeting between Pence and President Trump, the Vice President pleaded with Trump to

“Please let Joe go. He is suffering horribly in prison. Everyone is making fun of him and being mean to him. Ever since Joe was convicted, I have nobody to go to dinner with without mother being there. We used to have such nice, intimate dinners together, with candles and everything. Joe even used to let me stroke his tiger while we shared a strawberry sorbet with the same spoon.”

Apparently nonplussed, Trump responded by asking “Why do you want to pardon the Lion King? I didn’t even know he was in jail. What did he do? Can they even jail Disney characters? A lot of people say they can’t do that. We’ll see what happens.”

In a sign that the Vice President was eventually able to convince Trump, Department of Justice spokesperson Joe Barron made the following announcement this morning:

“After careful consultation with the White House, the Office of the Vice President, Mr. Exotic and the cast and crew of “Tiger King”, Attorney General William Barr is officially announcing an investigation into that evil witch Carole Baskin, may she rot in hell. We will leave no stone unturned until we find enough evidence to sentence her to prison, even if we have to make it up. We are interrogating both her hairdresser and her pool guy as we speak.”

Wow. Who knew that Mike Pence was so invested in Joe Exotic, arguably one of the best known gay television characters in recent memory. To celebrate, let’s bake a cake! Click on the image below for a special Pence recipe!