Laura Loomer Wants Basic Universal Income Only for Republicans

Laura Loomer is a name you might not be familiar with yet. The young 26-year-old woman from Florida is running for Congress and is doing so be picking herself up by her bootstraps and offering up a variety of patriotic promises that have conservatives salivating.

For example, her main platform message is to offer a “basic universal income” to qualifying Americans who are registered as “Republican.” Simply put, this would put your hard-earned money normally reserved for taxes back into your pocket, as long as you’re a real American and not some phony liberal.

The spokesperson for her campaign retired Bud Light spokesdog Spuds MacKenzie, issued this statement:

“Ms. Loomer is taking a page out of Reagan’s playbook and offering back to patriotic Americans what is rightfully theirs. Basically, each and every American that is registered as Republican will get a $1,000 check every month so that they can work hard while not accepting government socialism. This is entirely different than Sweden’s socialism program of basic universal income because…we say so. Naner naner.”

Republicans around the nation have started to rally around Ms. Loomer, as she reminds them of their own daughters and perhaps if she wasn’t their daughter they would date her. Among her other campaign policies are “making every woman a blonde”, “keep on subjugating people of color”, and “screw the homeless.”

Conservative Christians nationwide hooted and hollered at a recent campaign rally when she promised to “keep Islam, a religion of laws, out of America” while simultaneously promising to “replace the Constitution with the Bible, as myself and other conservatives hate the Founding Fathers with a white-hot rage”.

All the best to Ms. Loomer. Our hope is that she can take her rightful place in Congress, in the kitchen making some chicken pot pies. It’s what Jesus would have wanted.