Alberto Gonzales Missing Two Days Before Testimomy


As the Obamagate hearings begin to take shape, there have already been a slew of suspicious deaths and disappearances regarding witness testimony and accountants in possession of possible damning documents.  Now, the Obama administration’s former attorney General Alberto Gonzales has seemingly vanished into thin air, just two days before he’s required to begin testifying before current A.G. William Barr.

Many remember AG Barr from his former occupation, starring in the second “Human Centipede” film.

The man that many trumptards view as the architect of the “Fast and Furious” program that in reality, was started under the Bush administration had just checked into a local Washington D.C. hotel.  His credit card records indicate Gonzales ate a meatball sandwich from the in-house restaurant, imbibed four bottles of Heinekin beer, and spent several hours binge watching “Supergirl” on his Netflix account.  His trail, oddly, completely ends there.

Along with Obama’s Chief Muslammicatician Joe Barron, Gonzales was scheduled to give details on the imaginary actions and events leading to the imaginary Obamagate investigation that impeached President Trump invented out of psuedo-sexual paranoid fantasy and adderall.  Although many suspect it has something to do with so-called “spying” on Trump’s Russia-infected campaign, others believe it involves dossiers, FISA somethings, Hillary emails to Benghazi prayer curtains, and possibly a UFO carrying elderly people back to a planet where they won’t get sick and won’t ever die.

“Hello? Are there more tahwels fah after dinnah? My husband Morrie just dribbled all ovah his robot tushy here.”

As the pressure mounts from egg-eyed wackjobs on Facebook to lock someone, anyone up because Trump’s violent psychotic supporters are more or less impotent wannabe police detectives stuck in skeletal wrinkle bodies with mold slathered brains, authorities are pressed to locate the missing whistleblower before the opportunity for justice dissolves.  And it just might, like oxycontin in an Alabama Cheerios bowl.

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