Memorial Day? Across America, Latinos Celebrate ‘La Dia Cacahuate’


Memorial Day.  It’s this Monday, a day of reverence and awe, of tradition and honor, and of respect and gratitude to those brave souls who over countless years, gave their lives for all of us proud citizens of the United States of America.  You could say they really are the ones who Made America Great In The First Place.  MAGITFP.

And yet still nothing for the man who made America Funk Again. Clinton 2020. The other one.

But this year, after centuries of integration in this great melting pot that our founders built, our brothers and sisters of Latin descent, from Mexico and Cuba, El Salvador and Honduras, from Argentina and Banderas will all be celebrating the sacred holiday of La Dia Cacahuate, dating back nearly three thousand years, and far more important worldwide.

The annual celebration to take place this Monday to overshadow America’s war dead includes massive parties, or, “fiestas” to honor the pagan God Montalban, who rose from a world of monstrous terror where he had been sent to by “‘El Baboso Gringo”, or “white man.”  There, he outwitted even the best of his jailers, and was granted the powers of a God, at one point in Latin scripture, kicking Jesus Christ in the balls and calling him a pussy in front of all his friends.

“I’m drawing dicks on his forehead.”
“Good job bleaching him white.”
“Guys? We’re at the wrong manger. This kid’s Atilla the Hun.”

Jose Francisco Barron of the Mexican-American Coalition says the holiday this year will be especially large and unavoidable:

“This is definitely going to be a lot bigger than some crackers with their Memorial Day barbecues.  You should be ready in every neighborhood to hear lots of Salsa music and accordions.  You’re going to smell a. Lot of enchiladas and chiliquiles and see a lot of dogs running around, because we don’t really least them.  The good news is, any car you see is for sale.  Cash.  We don’t do credit cards, and its too much of a hassle to take one of your cheques to the banko.”

Prepare yourselves America for a celebration muy bueno.  If you can’t get into La Dia Cacahuate – you might be nuts, senior.

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