If you were lucky enough to witness Donald Trump’s speech at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, you probably noticed his new nickname for President Joe Biden’s son, Hunter. “Where’s Hunter.” No, really, that’s it.
The answer to that nicknamed question is, of course, that Hunter Biden is, as anyone whose brain isn’t a sunken-in mess of porn lube, adderall, and chewed up Big Mac pieces would know, he is at home. Where he lives. Like anyone else.
As fictional reports indicate, the First Son is working his new business of selling merchandise bearing his father’s image to his supporters. Oh wait, no. That would actually be Trump himself, who is continuing the lifelong career he has built of constantly fleecing his mob of gullible fish rapers by selling them garbage and taking their money.
The latest in the Trump line of lurch merch is this gorgeous 24-karat plastic ring, which is likely being mass-produced in China for pennies by 9-year olds, and can be yours for only twenty dollars. There may be a 10% discount if you use the secret keyword: “ShitPants.”
Note the beautiful corona of faux diamonds, each one made from a crystallized Covid cell, representing 10,000 patriots who gave their lives to not wear a 10-cent mask.
Hunter Biden, with his troubled past is a favorite target of the right, due to his former drug addiction problem and dealings with a gas company, for some reason. Just ask Sandy Batt, president of CPAC’s Port-a-Potty maintenance division.
“We Trump supporters are very concerned with someone with his background. He’s shady. Not like a lifelong obvious shyster who bankrupted dozens of his businesses, or a bug-eyed pillow Colonel Sanders, who spent much of his own life battling crack with only a spoon and a Bic. We have standards.”
“I love your big raviolis Mike. I swallow one every day on the can.”
It is also notable to mention that Hunter Biden is not the President of the United States.
As CPAC showed, and shows every year, the GOP lost any member of their flock with properly-installed human DNA long ago. So dig deep, Trumpies, and get yourself an official cult ring. You’ll be the envy of your bridge club.
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.
