Nancy Pelosi’s Family Shuns Her from Easter for Being a Drunk

As if being dumped recently by her fifth husband wasn’t enough suffering for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, now she has been shunned from her family’s Easter gathering because of her well-known drinking problem.

The family, all devout Catholics, had been planning to bring many generations and branches of the family together through an online videoconference from their homes across the country.

But after Pelosi was found face down in the gutter next to a homeless guy named Joe Barron, her family has had enough. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband was overheard making a phone call, telling the family that she is not welcome.

“We kept up the charade for years that she could function, even when she had had way, way too many dainty sips of her beloved Chardonnay. But no more. Passing out in the gutter in Pacific Heights — where all the neighbors could see her — was the last straw. She is no longer welcome at our family’s Easter gathering.”

A family member who wished to remain anonymous to maintain his inheritance of millions of stolen taxpayer dollars said the Zoom password had been changed so Nancy can’t log in and celebrate Jesus’ recovery from a three-day bender with her family.

This family member said, “Nancy has always been the life of the party, and I’ll miss doing Jello shots with her as we do at every family gathering, including weddings and funerals.”

When reached for comment, Pelosi’s spokeswoman, Sandy Batt, was unaware that Nancy had been uninvited to her family’s Easter feast and said she would tell her after she slept off her Friday night bender. Batt said,

“She’s always liked to have a tipple or six, but nothing excessive. Three vodka tonics and a bottle of Chardonnay is a completely normal amount of alcohol to consume in one day, and she never, ever exceeds that. That would be unseemly for the most powerful woman in our government.”

Will she ever learn? Apparently not.